Slutbox Greetings

by Brooks Peck


[Light Board Operator:  Begin with the lights up.  One blackout at the end.]

A man, Dick, sits on a couch reading a magazine, facing the audience.  Other chairs form 
a living room.

A woman, Chastity, enters and flops in a seat.

Chastity:	Hi.

Dick:	Hey.

He keeps reading.  Chastity appraises him.

Chastity:	So ... how 'bout it?

Dick:	How 'bout what?

Chastity:	How about ... we fuck.

Dick:	(aghast) No!

Chastity:	You don't want to?

Dick:	No.

Chastity:	Really?  You really don't want to fuck me?

Dick:	No.

Chastity:	Come on.  You do.

Dick:	No, I don't.

Chastity:	We could do it any way you want.  On the couch.  On the floor.  On the 
washing machine while it's spinning.

Dick:	No.

Chastity:	Any position.

She stands, raises one leg.

Chastity:	The tail of the ostrich.

Dick:	No!  No fucking.

Chastity sits again.  Considers.

Chastity:	Okay, we don't have to have intercourse.  How about you rub your erect 
penis in my pubic hair and come on my tits!

Dick:	No!

Chastity:	You could fuck me in the ass.

Dick:	I will not.

Chastity:	How about you fuck me in the ass while I jill off?

Dick:	Please stop.

Chastity:	You really don't want to fuck me?

Dick:	No.

Chastity:	Not at all?

Dick:	No.

Chastity:	What if I were the last woman on Earth?

Dick:	I don't think so.

Chastity:	Oh, come on.  Even if I were the last woman on Earth?  Okay listen, listen.  
Let's say everyone on the Earth has been wiped out by a plague except us.  
Now you, you're in our house and you're working out, because you've got 
to stay strong.  You're lifting big iron, and you are pumped, you are 
ripped, you are shredded.  Me, I'm out in the field farming our food.  And 
it's a hot day and I'm not really sweaty, but you know I've got a kind of 
slick sheen.  And I'm dirty—not filthy dirty, but I've got some smears of 
dirt on my face and on the burlap sack I wear for clothes—

Dick:	Wait a minute, that makes no sense.  If everyone on the Earth has been 
wiped out by a plague then there would be thousands of grocery stores full 
of canned food for us to eat.  We wouldn't have to farm.

Chastity:	Oh, that's even better!  Okay, so you're at home working out when I come 
home from the grocery store.  But the grocery store is dusty, right, so I've 
still got dust on my face and burlap sack.  And as you've been working out 
you've been thinking about all the beautiful women you've had, and how 
they're all gone now.  And I come in, dusty, sweaty, we're both sweaty, 
and I start to give you a back rub, and you relax, and I gently start to brush 
my breasts—

Dick:	Whoa, stop.  Just stop.

Chastity:	What?

Dick:	Listen to me.  I am not ever going to fuck you, or have sex with you in any 
way, okay?  Not.  Ever.

Chastity:	(crestfallen)  Never?  You really don't want me at all?

Dick:	No.  I don't.

In tears, Chastity runs for the door.

Dick:	Chastity--!

As she reaches the door, another man, Frank, is coming in.  He has to dodge out of the 
way.  Chastity exits and Frank watches her go.  He comes into the room.

Frank:	Dude, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd fuck her if she were my sister.

BLACKOUT