Starting Out

Begin, as the one-eyed, chess-playing orangutans of San Carlos are wont to say, in the beginning.

First, you've got to be in the right mindset. You must externalize the anger welling within you and formulate THE BATTLE PLAN, which is going to see your project to completion. To do this, you must first decide that making your movie and seeing it to completion is very, VERY important. Now this may seem like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised by the number of people who start off all fired up and ready to go--only to find their excitement waning after only 3-4 hours on location. Flakes who are only interested in hanging out and looking cool on the set; slothful friends of friends who enjoy giving orders to others but can't find it in their own time to pick up a frickin' tape measure; and insecure wannabe actors whose only claim to fame is that they once played a weeping willow in third grade (but still have the arrogance and swagger of Jack Nicholson on a three day alcoholic binge)--ALL of these types should be farther from your production than the African nation of Chad. (Unless that's the setting of your Indonesian cum Chadian romantic comedy, of course!)

Lemme tell ya, as a beginning filmmaker, you've got to drop all aspirations of nude stars snortin' cocaine and feeding you grapes by the Côte D'Azure right now. In deciding to make a movie--a REAL one that is, not the one you've been playing out in your head where you practice your Academy Award speech 20 times over--you're choosing a path that would have sent Robert Frost into therapy for years. So why do it then? Because for those select few...those that have been blessed (or damnably cursed) with the cinematic bug, the beast within COMPELS you to follow it. It demands to see those flickering images on the wall that you and only you can imbue. It leers at you from the side of many a mirror, and taunts you nightly right before sleep.

It, in other words, the demon demands attendance.

You've got to feed the beast posthaste. Smack it around a few times. Saw off its head, crawl inside, and embrace its innards. Allow its blood and free-flowing amniotic fluids to mix with your own in high libations to your once and future celluloid lord. You've got the itch, and now it's time to scratch that bugger!

Now that you're all fired up, it's time to map out your movie and throw the proverbial dice. You see, unlike some big time Hollywood cretins, I am assuming you actually want to TELL a story--something that totally flies in the face of their "correct" way of doing things. Know that the dealmakers in the film industry are often nothing more than the gathering horse flies on the corpse of credibility: those who get all hot and bothered by the supposed art of the DEAL, as their resulting film is merely an afterthought. For example, let's say that you're Johnny Bigwigs Jr. at CrapaZola Studios, and it's past time to start foraging for next summer's fodder. Don't have a script? No biggie. "It'll be something with action in it. And big stars. Maybe giant spiders, too. Spiders are scary and there's no competition in the horror market right now. According to our 1,245 accountants on staff, that means we can expect at least an initial 23% return versus our negative costs and even higher ROI on video. Hah hah--lemme get on the phone right with Charlie Sparkle's agent. He'll 'open it' for us, but I can get him cheap since he was in that Christmas bomb based on the sequel to the toy series that was once a popular video game. It's ALL genius! Now where's the rest of my coke??" Spanky is incensed.

An exaggerated composite of Mr. StudioHead? Hardly. These people are playing the game just as if they were on Wall Street betting on oil and hog stocks. They love to spend other people's money. And they adore the swank cafés by the sea with snooty waiters and $7.50 lattes. Fine. Everybody wants more dollar bills. But THEY ARE NO MORE FILMMAKERS THAN A NORWEGIAN NARWHAL IS A POETRY-LOVIN' PLASTIC SURGEON! They have nothing but utter contempt for the public at large. With an ever-so-slight smile permanently plastered on their faces, these corporate cutthroats say again and again why the audience only wants to see the same movie formulas repeated ad infinitum. After all, it validates their many reasons for continuing to associate creativity with leprosy.

"But the majors' box office grosses are down, and independents are on the upswing, " you cry. "Can't they see that the old ways are dying? Why else would films such as CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON or NAPOLEON DYNAMITE bring in so much money--despite the fact that the 'experts' only released 'em to a handful of theaters?"

Heh. You can bet that the canned answer will be pat.

"Merely a fluke," they'll respond with indifference. "Just watch out next Fourth of July. I've already carved it out as mine!" And sure enough some lame, ultra-high budget film with 50-year-old action stars will be released to the tune of $50-$60 million at the domestic box office. A rousing success from the minds of tomorrow? Not quite. What they won't tell you is that the film was spread across 4,300 theaters; only averaged an anemic $1,200 per screen; and its initial returns don't cover the marketing costs alone, much less the film's production.

"See," they'll say, "we know what we're doing. Why else would I have this job and command $1.8 mil. a year?"

Black magic perhaps? I dunno. It certainly can't be the cupidity and stupidity of certain out-of-touch studios, can it?

Faithful reader, here's your assignment for the day: If you should happen to see one of these ill-conceived, misshapen ideas floating around in the air whilst visiting Bel Air, be sure to do us all a favor and throw hydrochloric acid in its face then set it afire. Then, proceed to take its remains down to the local McDonald's and ask the merry "I'm Loving It" crew to put that into their latest Happy Meal Summer Tie-in and choke on it.

In the meantime, you're going to be crafting your masterpiece for next to nothing!